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For my video rant I decided it HAD to have a 'retro' theme - as that's what a lot of people know me for. It also meant I could shoot it in the 'Binary Zone' (surrounded by all my old computers and consoles), I'd have an excuse to don my fabled 'retro jumper' once again and maybe even get to dance around to Commodore 64 music (while playing the 'air C64') as seen in my GeekWatch pics. The first thing I needed to sort was WHAT I was going to waffle on about in the rant. One of the things that was floating around in my warped mind was the question 'are new games as good as old games' ... ? With that in mind I sat down and wrote a brief script. I also decided at this point to shoot the rant in lots of separate little scenes. This meant I could intersperse the scenes with retro game footage, change the footage being displayed on the screens behind me, and also cycle through three 'outfits' which I wanted to wear for the rant. The first of which was my trusty Zzap!64 t-shirt (which was actually sent to me as a freebie in return for some stuff I did for Zzap! many moons ago). The second was my 'retro jumper' knitted for me by my Mom (complete with Ultimate Play The Game, Ocean and Imagine Software logo's). The third was the rather froopy 'Bits' t-shirt which was made for me by my chum Rick Tanner. Shooting the rant in separate chunks made it quite easy to edit together for the final video version ... Plus it would hopefully be easy to edit for the actual show as whole sections could be dropped if necessary for timing purposes (or if they were just pants! Hehe!)
The whole rant was shot in one morning. After getting the Zone into some semblance of order (a bit of tidying and polishing was involved) I fixed the camera to the tripod and fired up the Amstrad and C64 in order to supply the background game footage. The scenes were (fairly) easy to film as I had all the details written out in the script. This contained details of what I should be saying in each section, what outfit I should be wearing and what camera effect should be used (like the 'sepia' effect for the 'good old days' scene - or the 'mosaic' effect for the 'blocky games' scene). With the technical side of things sorted all I had to do was sit in front of the camera and deliver the lines of waffle in my script. The only problem I had with this is that I'm not actually a 'ranty' type person. Thanks to my infinite capacity for having fun and my inability to take anything seriously the best I could do was to sound 'mildly peeved'. Plus I thought if I got all shouty or arsed around too much I might come across as annoying so what you see is a very restrained performance by me!
With the main rant scenes filmed I also delivered some 'voiceover' lines to the camera which were to be used with footage not requiring me to be on the screen. (Like the scene where I'm squashing the PlayStation controller while going on about 'kicking the crap out of your mates'). I actually sampled and edited these lines on the PC and then recorded them back from the PC to the master video tape along with whatever footage went with them. All I then needed was the main game footage which was to be interspersed between scenes. Rather than just link the C64 to a video I decided to point the camera at the screen showing the games. This meant I could eliminate the side borders, highlight the main action and it also gave it a nice 'homemade' look. These scenes had to be filmed at night in total darkness to avoid getting any reflections on the screen. I fed the C64 sound directly to the video along with the camera output which resulted in the games that I filmed having perfect quality C64 sound.
Here's a full list of the scenes I filmed for the uncut version of the rant:- Scene 1 (Intro) - Starts off with the Speccy obscuring the screen. This was basically my 'clapperboard' which showed me where to start editing! The 'wokka-wokka-wokka' Pac-Man gag wasn't actually in the script, that was a bit of adlibbing from me (but I'm glad it was included in the show!) The games in the background are 'Get Dexter' on the Amstrad and the 'Armalyte' loading screen on the C64. Outfit for this scene: Zzap!64 t-shirt.
(Cut to C64 Uridium footage). Scene 2 (The Good old days) - This is where I got to use one of the nifty special effects on the video camera. The 'sepia' setting gives it a brown hue, widescreen borders and a slightly 'jerky' look reminiscent of old film. To complete the effect I added a track from the 'Medal of Honor: Underground' soundtrack which sounds like a whiny gramophone record! In the background the C64 is showing the 'Hawkeye' loading screen (although it's very hard to make out!) and the Amstrad is running 'Starion'. Outfit for this scene: The retro jumper!
(Cut to C64 Buggy Boy footage). Scene 3 (Blocky graphics) - I couldn't resist using the mega-blocky 'mosaic' camera setting here. I originally planned to be just sat in my chair for this bit but found it looked better if I suddenly appeared on the screen close to the camera.
(Cut to C64 International Karate+ footage). Scene 4 (Jerky graphics). I used the 'flash' effect for this scene which made my movements REALLY jerky (it reminded me of 'netmeeting' webcam footage!) In the background the Amstrad was displaying the 'Way of the Exploding Fist' loading screen and the C64 was showing the 'Mutants' loading screen. Outfit for this scene: Zzap!64 t-shirt.
(Cut to C64 Driller footage). Scene 5 (Playability). Having explained some of the problems of old games this is where I turn the rant around by saying that more attention was paid to PLAYABILITY. The C64 was showing in-game footage from 'The Last Ninja' in this scene and the Amstrad was running 'Exploding Fist'. Outfit for this scene: The Bits t-shirt.
(Cut to Pac-Land footage from Xmas Chortles). Scene 6 (FMV). In this scene I was wibbling on about new games having CD's filled with movie quality FMV. "If I want to watch a couple of hours of movie then .... I'll watch a movie!" The Amstrad was showing the 'Equinox' loading screen in the background and the C64 was running the opening ceremony from 'Winter Games'. Outfit for this scene: The Bits t-shirt.
Scene 7 (Polygons). This was the first 'voiceover' scene. I panned up my Lara Croft statue while asking "Who CARES how many zillion polygons make up the main character?" (Sorry Lara, I love you really!)
Scene 8 (Beat the crap out of your mates). And here's the second voiceover scene. All I had to do here was mash the controller for a few seconds and then drop in my speech afterwards (which was sampled on the PC). The PlayStation was actually switched on but there was no CD in. I just wanted the analogue light lit up! This scene led nicely to the 'Matrix' spoof from Xmas Chortles 2 which had my chums Lee and Mez beating the crap out of each other!
(Cut to Matrix spoof from Xmas Chortles 2). Scene 9 (Cool soundtracks). This is actually part 2 of the rant. Here I was basically going on about how I used buy C64 games JUST for the soundtracks - so I could hear the new soundtracks from Martin Galway and Rob Hubbard etc. The main reason I included this in the rant is so I had an excuse to dance around to C64 music ... ! The C64 is running 'IO' in this scene and I've got 'Destructo' loaded on the Amstrad. Outfit for this scene: The retro jumper!
Scene 10 (Playing the 'Air C64'!!) In this scene I'm dancing to the 'Monty on the Run' music by Rob Hubbard. Interestingly, the C64 isn't supplying the music. It was played from the PC through my 'HardSID' card. (Yep, I have an actual C64 soundchip in my PC!) The dance was inspired by Jean-Michel Jarre and Hank Marvin at the Docklands Jarre gig. The Amstrad is running 'Monty on the Run' (although I'm obscuring the screen) and the C64 is running 'Auf Wiedersehen' Monty. I actually edited the bouncy scrolltext on the C64 to display a message about how cool Bits is!! Outfit for this scene: The retro jumper!
Scene 11 (CD techno rubbish). This was actually the end of scene 9 but I decided to drop the 'Air C64' footage in the middle of the scene. That's why the background computers are still running the same games (and I'm still wearing the retro jumper).
(Cut to Speccy Knight Lore footage). Scene 12 (My name's Kenz, see ya!) This is basically the 'wind up the rant' scene. I wanted to explain how I don't think ALL new games are shite compared to old games, just that more focus should be paid to the playability rather than the eye candy. In this scene the C64 is running the absolute classic 'Elite' and the Amstrad is showing the 'Trailblazer' loading screen. Outfit for this scene: The Bits t-shirt.
(Cut to Manic Miner game over screen with the boot squishing Miner Willy).
With all the scenes 'in the can' so to speak (well, safely stored on a Hi8 tape) I set to work editing the rant. The first thing I did was produce a little title page which I knocked up in PhotoShop done in the style of this website. You can see the title pic at the start of this section - it's the one which says "Kenz's Video Gripe". I also dropped in an unreleased Kam Wah Bits tune called 'Pants' (featuring the Bits girls). It was dead easy to edit the main rant as I had all the scenes listed on the script. All I had to do was find the best version of each section that I filmed and drop them onto the master tape. Thanks to my Xmas Chortles movie editing experience I was able to get some pretty darn good joins which even impressed the Bits team (he says modestly!) I decided to add a few extra goodies to the video tape as there was plenty of room left (2 hours and 57 minutes to be precise!) The first thing I put on there was the trailer from my 'Xmas Chortles 2' movie which I thought might amuse and bemuse the Bits gang. (After all, it's very similar to the current Bits title sequence - complete with destruction and strangeness). I also included a couple of my fave scenes from 'Xmas Chortles 2'. The first was our 'Matrix' Spoof (filmed in my back garden) followed by a CGI Matrix spoof by Mat Recardo featuring CGI versions of me and my chums Lee and Mez. I also included our 'Tron' spoof which was another CGI gem from Mat. It features me, Lee and Mez being zzapped into 'Tron-land' where we get to race against light cycles in Lee's Vauxhall Nova (and I show a CGI version of my ARSE!) I wasn't sure anyone would watch all this stuff so imagine how amazed I was when Aldo mentioned on the 4Later forum that the tape had made his weekend!!
With the rant safely in the hands of the Bits team all that was left for us to do was sign some release forms giving permission for them to show our ugly mugs on TV. Of course this was all handled VERY professionally by me, Lee and Mez ... We met up at the pub and signed them there! It was quite funny because I refused to tell Mez what was happening or why we were meeting at the pub (he didn't know about the rant at this point). He was quite agog when I dropped the form in front of him and said "Sign this Mez, we're gonna be on TV!" So that was that. But it wasn't over yet though ... The last thing to be sorted out was the captions that appeared on the retro games footage included in the rant. I was quite literally bombarded (much to my delight!) with calls from Bits to ensure the right captions went with the right games. It's amazing how much time and trouble the Bits team went to for a small detail like that but it was worth it. Every caption was absolutely spot on. Nice work guys!! Finally the rant was ready for broadcast on national TV!! GIBBER!
In order to make the airing of the 'Retro Rant' more of an event I invited Lee and Mez over to watch it here. Some vital supplies were needed for the evening so we duly departed in order to purchase a gigantic amount of Chinese takeaway and to empty the shelves of the local off-licence. I thought it would be a grin to film us watching our debut TV appearance so I plonked the camera on top of the TV and pointed it at sofa on which we were all sitting. The footage from the first half of the show mainly comprises of lager drinking and unimpressed noises being made about Cossacks (which looks like an extremely avoidable piece of software). The drinking continued through the review of Unreal Tourny on the PS2 which I was disappointed to see was cack (as it's my fave PC game and I hoped for an enhanced version on the Sony mean machine). Interest must have waned at this point as the avid viewing of the show changed to us wondering where Bouff had got to (she hadn't featured much in the first half). Things were soon to liven up though ... Oooooh yes! Suddenly the Bits girls were talking about US!! Our three little faces lit up at this point. Suddenly there was Mez yelling 'Xmas Chortles' on TV (with a rather drunk Lee loitering around in the background). I was AMAZED! The name of my, erm, 'movie masterpiece' had just been yelled out on national TV!!! But there was MORE! After a superb intro from the girls there was ME - dancing around to the Monty on the Run music! ON TELLY! What a GEEEEEEEEEK! HEHEHE!
Much hooting and chortling went on during the adverts with cans being raised, me saying "thank you ladies!", Mez saying "respect!" to the girls and Lee was somehow looking impressed and amazed at the same time. The adverts FINALLY ended and it was straight into the main rant (I can't believe I kicked off the second half of a Bits show!) We were all wearing extremely amused expressions at this point. Reactions during the rant included Lee pointing at me saying "It's YOU!", Mez saying "NOOO!" and me grinning inanely and pointing at myself on telly while saying "Who is that GOON?!" The cream on the cake was the "Kenz is the man" comment from Aleks after the rant ... SUPERB! Job's definitely a good 'un I reckon. I just hope you all enjoyed watching it as much as we did!
Video Rant (Bits Version) AVI (192 x 144) - (requires DivX codec) - [13.00mb]
Video Rant (Uncut Version) AVI (192 x 144) - (requires DivX codec) - [12.8mb]
Video Rant (Outtakes) AVI (192 x 144) - (requires DivX codec) - [5.33mb]
Video Rant (Reaction) AVI (192 x 144) - (requires DivX codec) - [5.56mb]
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